Born of the Spirit- Part 1

It's been a while since I last updated. It's most likely due to the fact that It's been somewhat of a hidden time in KC. I've been experiencing so much and learning so many new things that I haven't quite developed a language for how to explain all that's been going on. In one way I feel like a student tackling some abstract theory and I can discuss the theory among classmates but for breaking it down it's a bit of a struggle. I've alluded to some things but I feel like a deeper explanation and understanding is required.
Deep Breath. Here I go.
Every person is spirit, soul, and body. We are by nature spiritual beings who live in a physical body and have a soul (mind, will, emotions). Much of my life has been spent in two sectors. I have concentrated much on my physical body by working out, running marathons, etc. Secondly, I've used by soul in making choices, loving others, gaining an education, etc. But I am starting to use my spirit to a much greater extent. Through Jesus my spirit was reborn (John 3). I've used my spirit in some basic ways by praying in tongues, prophesying, etc. But even much of my "spiritual" life has been lived through the soul. I've read the Bible by using my mind, prayed by using my mind, emotions, and worshipped by using will, emotions. Much of how I've communicated to God hasn't been through the born-again spirit but through the soul. This isn't wrong. We are commanded to love with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength. It is very real and very important to have the soul be obedient to Christ.
But what I am longing for and working at is making my spirit stronger. I've been born again--from that point I am a baby. How much growing have I done? How do I grow if I realize I haven't grown that much? How do I know how much I have grown?
Babies when they are born are very dependent and cannot see but a few feet in front of them. If I am born of the spirit I am created to see angels, miracles, heaven, etc. What have I seen of that? But if I grow what will I see of that?

John 3:8
"The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit."

Bottom line is I've been growing and I've been seeing.....

I need grace to live in Kansas City every couple of weeks. It's whenever I try to like it on my own strength that I utterly fail. This is how it usually goes: I look for things that make me smile here, whether that be people or hangouts or food. When I get bored with those things I get so dissatisfied that I moved to the middle of nowhere. But what I'm learning is this: my strength isn't how much I am able to tolerate or enjoy where or where I may not be, but it's learning on Jesus who is my strength. In the end it may even be that my strength to endure a season is not liking where I am because Jesus is able to become the only sustainer.
In a completely unrelated note I am beginning to explore particle physics and it is amazing me how much it sings of the Creator. Being a student of science is being a student of God's created order, and that is quite enjoyable!

What's Behind Door Number 9?

Life is good in Kansas City. It's been fun exploring different areas of IHOP and ministry here. Last weekend I went to Bob Hartley's "Hope to the Heart." It was a conference that focused on adoring God as the primary language of prayer. This week I've gone to his prayer meetings at his business office in the mornings. It's been so encouraging. It’s great to see a business start the day—everyday—in prayer. I love seeing God in every area of life. Because I’m not going to be serving in the prayer room as staff I am longing to meet God in what I do. I’m excited to see how God will touch my patients as I start work next week.
Since moving out here I am not entirely sure where I am going to plug in. IHOP has so many different groups and ministries. I think I'll just be checking things out. It’s like I’m on a little expedition, searching out where I’ll be connecting. Before I would feel pressure thinking that I needed to know where I would plug in, but I am feeling none of those constraints. I know that as I live day to day He will guide me. It’s like when I first arrived at Rutgers close to 7 years ago; I was so happy to be in someplace new. I checked out the different campus ministries and it wasn’t until I unexpectedly walked in the doors of the Second Reformed Church that I found Harvest. What I thought was one church service turned into 6 years of friendship, discipleship, and family. That’s the beauty of following God. Simple obedience can yield a bounty of His goodness. I’m waiting for that moment again, that unexpected opening of a door, that stamps my life with goodness beyond anything I could plan.
And even if things don't "work-out" here in Kansas City at least I know I gave it a try and I have no regrets about it.

Moving [Forward]

I have a brick under my bed. My dad gave it to me for Christmas in 2004. It belongs to the old Ocean City High School. The year after I graduated the school was torn down and a new one built across the street. The brick is the only physical piece I have of the old school.
As I move to Kansas City another strange, yet similar thing has happened. Harvest, my church for over 6 years is splitting. The English speaking congregation (the Caleb group) will be disbanding at the end of May. The Chinese speaking congregation (the Joshua group) will continue on. The pastors are in one heart about the transition but I'm not really sure how to process this big change. It's sad that my church for so long will soon cease to exist. Part of me really wants to mourn the loss of Harvest as I know it but I am wondering if that's even the appropriate response. God is clearly doing something and I don't know if I can truly be sad about that. A lot of my close friends have already left the church so I can't say I am trying to hold onto something that is still there. In reality the church has been significantly changing for the past 3 years and much of what I was used to has changed anyway.
It's somewhat like a relief that I am moving out now to KC because I am not faced with this forced transition. The Caleb group is faced with 3 choices: Stay with the Joshua group and form a an English service, head out with Pastor Sam and help lead the church plant, or find a new place of worship altogether. Not an easy decision and undoubtedly not everyone will go in the same direction.
It's a good farewell to NJ. There really isn't much holding me back anymore. Bit by bit God has asked me to give things to Him. In his gentleness He asked me to go to KC before Harvest disbanded. He gave me an opportunity to give Him Harvest before it was gone. He is so gentle with me. I am convinced more and more that His leadership is kind--it is perfect--but it is not always easy.

I've given up searching for home.

I am back in NJ for just over 2 weeks, trying to squeeze in as many hangouts as possible. Is this rest after the internship? Probably not, but I am trying to reconnect with everyone before I truly move across the country. It's quite the move. I have a moving strategy: Move as fast as I can out to the middle of nowhere before I can comprehend all that I really am doing and stop myself. At this point in time I am no longer trusting emotions. I have been feeling so much regarding the move that I need to trust solely on the Lord. Whether I am confused, excited, happy, ambivalent, or unmotivated I am following Jesus. He has my best interest in mind even if it means living without a place to rest my head.
Home will never be found in this lifetime. That longing deep inside all of us is the longing for a heavenly homeland. I can't stay somewhere in life just because I am trying to maintain the small sense of home I was able to find. Families change, communities grow and fade, and church bodies always seem to be in some eb and flow. I am grateful for all that God has given me in NJ. I love Harvest and had the best college years imaginable, but I can't stay to maintain any of that. Staying somewhere for comfort is sin. Not moving forward because of fear causes our hearts not to rest in God's perfect love. The Holy Spirit is my comforter in this life. I am comforted that He is the care-taker of my soul, body, and spirit. I want to be wherever He is.
As the Misty Edward song says, "I will follow the Lamb wherever He goes."

Sermon on the Mount

I apologize for lack of updates. Life in the internship spins so fast that by the time I sit down to write I wonder what happened to begin with.
:::breathe:::

I have one week left to the internship and I feel like I'm running through a million emotions all at the same time. I'm excited to start "real life" again but, nervous if I can manage out there. I'm transitioning to life out here but at the same time wondering why this is the next step. The lesson I've been learning predominantly is that God is a perfect leader and that I can trust Him.
Matthew 6 says if I seek first the kingdom of God all other things [clothes, money, food] will be given to me. What a true statement (see last update)! I have an interview tomorrow at the Christian birthing center. I am so excited. I did nothing to find this place--the job was given to me as I sat in the prayer room seeking the Lord. The sermon on the mount precedes the seeking of the kingdom verse.If we recognize our need for God, live humbly before Him, and seek the righteousness only He can give He will richly reward us, in this age and in the age to come. As I sought the sermon on the mount, even in the small measure that I think I actually attained, God blessed me with what I could not have found on my own.
And the motivation for living the sermon on the mount has not been looking for God to bless me in this lifetime. As of recent I have been thinking more and more about rewards in the kingdom of Heaven. In the next couple of days hopefully I can write an update about the Heavenly Jerusalem but for now this is the verse I woke up saying,

Psalm 126: "When the Lord brought the captives back to Zion, we were like men who dreamed."

Dream of the day we go back to Zion, our heavenly home. It makes the sermon on the mount lifestyle worth it.

Love is our Inheritance

I am in the middle of revival! For years I have prayed that God would take me where revival is about to happen so I could be a part of it. It's what led me to want to do missions in South Asia and part of what still aches in my heart to go back. I asked God where revival would come so I could be a forerunner in it. I am blessed to say and believe that I am a forerunner in not one but many awakenings God is doing around the world. It's not a pride thing. God answers prayer. If we seek Him we will find Him. If we call to Him, He will answer us. He is ravished at one glance from us--He is moved when we ask Him to move.
In college I would prayer-walk in the cemeteries of the leaders of the First Great Awakening asking that God would come to Rutgers and stir hearts there. I would cry for another awakening. I believe it is coming. He is bringing the fathering spirit of Elijah to Rutgers and NB Theological Seminary.
I am here in Kansas City. Revival is here and will continue to grow as we seek Him. Healing and deliverance is a daily event here. It does not end there--I believe that the ends of the earth will see the glory of God. As the generations become more wicked there is also a growth in the holiness and power of the church. We can partake of this great, massive, world-wide revival because it is our inheritance.
We don't have to be strong to be in this company. Our strength is recognizing that we are weak. It is dependence on Jesus for love daily. It is letting Him serve us and humbling our self to receive His love. We can only love as He loves us. If we do not receive His love we cannot love.

Recommended reading: 2 Corinthians 12-13, Romans 8, Psalm 45

God is so big. He is uncreated and everlasting. There are not enough years to fully know him because He goes on forever. With that in mind there are times when the English language does not contain the proper words to describe Him. There are also times when our imaginations cannot describe Him. But the mystery is this: He dwells inside of us. The uncreated, Spirit who hovered over the waters lives in me. But the complexity goes further: He is ravished by one glance from me. I am a co-heir with Jesus, the son of God. All of these realities have been brewing in my heart for the last few weeks. For my lack of updates: I don't know how to put it into words other than I am experiencing the knowledge of God. His presence is deep and the work He is doing on my heart is deep. I am feeling refreshed and renewed.
God has also been rekindling the dream in my heart for revival. IHOP and the Call are calling for a 40 day Daniel fast to see revival in the north-east, specifically universities there. I really feel like revival is brewing for Rutgers and Princeton at this very time! We can dig the well of revival there!
The proposal for Rutgers college was “to plant a university or seminary for young men destined for study in the learned languages and in the liberal arts, and who are to be instructed in the philosophical sciences; also that it may be a school of the prophets in which young Levites and Nazarites of God may be prepared to enter upon the sacred ministerial office in the Church of God."
God has not forgotten the northeast and He is coming!

Friendship with God is Complicated

Last night most of my roommates went to bed angry or crying. The night before we all fell asleep laughing. Each of us has gone from one extreme to the other. It wasn't female hormone related emotions--it was God-driven, God-destined emotions.
In the beginning of the week I was at the extreme end of frustration and anger. I wanted to run out of the prayer room. I was angry with God that my prayers weren't being answered. I had moments when I was internally shouting at God. Had I been alone the shouts would have been loud. I have had 2 consistent prayers for almost 10 years and neither of them have been answered. Can you imagine being the best friend of a King and you have been asking him for years for 2 things and it's within his grasp to do what you ask, but he doesn't? Without a doubt that causes a strain in the friendship. It can make you question the substance of the relationship; is there genuineness in that he really cares about you? The usual response is to forget or to walk away from the friendship, despite the fact that it is the best friend you have ever had. But more challenging is this: not only does he not answer the questions over the decade you have asked but he purposed you to get frustrated. He knew you were going to get angry and he is okay with that. He brought up the feelings of frustration and anger, and he created the emotion of anger and sadness. It's pure torture!
Then on Thursday God totally touched me. I felt completely different. He freed me from the fear of man and I am genuinely changed. My anger and disappointment were changed to gladness. It was a miracle. Suddenly I am caught in a swirl of his love and goodness. However, the questions remain unanswered. I don't understand how he works and I don't know his ways. This God-man I am friends with is a funny man.

Squirming in my Chair

Sometimes it can be very difficult to sit in a prayer room for 6 hours. Today we are here for 9 hours; I nearly had a freak-out moment. I almost started crying knowing I couldn’t leave until the next morning, except for one break. I was not made to sit for this long; to be quiet for this long. So much of the routine and schedule of IHOP is contrary to how I love to be. Most days are spent in the 3 same rooms, little variation in routine, next to no free time. This week is pretty intense. It’s a total of 67 hours. I have so much energy but I have to sit and I can’t talk. I am squirming so much in these chairs.
I was made for adventure. This energy I have is from the Lord and unless I make it to the gym to expend some of it I get extremely antsy. I went today but I could have really stayed for much longer. It barely gets my energy out to be at a place where I don’t completely flip.
The longer I am at IHOP the more I desire to go to India. It’s probably on my thoughts at least every 10 minutes. Every teaching I hear, every experience in the prayer room. Prayer is powerful and wonderful. I have clung to it for so many years, but I know it is not my call to be a full-time prayer-missionary. God chose one tribe out of 12 to serve in ministry unto the Lord. The others were not built that way. The Levites’ responsibility is to minister to Him—not to others. They have dedicated their lives to serve God’s heart in worship and prayer.
I am learning so much about who I am by being in a place that is not my place. Yet, at the same time I really enjoy it here. I am learning how to have prayer as the base for all that I do. Also, it is bliss to have a community that has the goal of seeking out the Lord’s heart in prayer. Whether I was made to pray or to go, we are all made to love. Love is made complete when we all work together.

1 Peter 5:2-4
2Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; 3not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. 4And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.

I'm Going to the Chapel and I'm...

When I first arrived in Kansas City I had a dream that has set the tone for the next season of my life. The message of the dream was that in order to jump into the Presence of God I needed to see things through the eyes of the bride. Welcome: Season of the Bride.

Over 6 months ago I bought a book by Gary Wiens called “Bridal Intercession.” The book discusses the importance of intimacy with Jesus in prayer and knowing Him as life’s primary goal. Despite the interesting content I had only read about 3 chapters but brought the book with me to KC so I could finally finish it. Also at about that time I downloaded a song called “My Romance” but had very rarely listened to it. Interestingly when I was packing up my apartment it was a song that I suddenly had new love for and I was playing it frequently.

When I think of romance I think of Jane Austin, especially the 6hr BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. Wonderful. But shock here: this is not Jesus’ version of romance. His love is much deeper. His love is humility. The God who is too big to fit in the heavens confined himself to a weak human body for the chance to be my friend. He wasn’t even assured that I would like him or spend time with him but he loved me and desired to be near me. He who is not confined to time put on a mortal body so I may know Him for all eternity. He who is perfect and hates sin walked around in the midst of a wicked generation to show his unfailing love to them and all the generations to follow. Perhaps the most daunting aspect of bridal love is this: that according to the Apostle John if I claim to love God I must walk as Jesus did. Choose to walk in suffering for love’s sake. Taking the lowly road even when it is not required.

“I don’t know about you, but I had sort of a romantic expectation that [Jesus] would woo me and tell me how cool and nice I am and how much He enjoys various aspects of my life… And then all of a sudden He did a very surprising thing: in my process of exploring the reality and depth of His love for me, He took me to Isaiah 52 and Isaiah 53 and began to teach me about His passion on the cross, and what the cross of Jesus has to do with His love for me as an ardent Bridegroom. “ Gary Wiens

Life in the MidWest

I would like to say that I moved out to Kansas City in faith but I think I moved out in frustration. I didn't have anything else so I came out here thinking I would probably get in but not really knowing. It wasn't until I was in the state of Missouri that I actually got the acceptance.
Now I am fully integrated into the night life here at the International House of Prayer (IHOP). That means I spend most days from 12a to 6a in the prayer room with classes and revival services in the evening hours. Doing these hours and this schedule is intense. It is a complete lifestyle change for me and I have been going through serious detox. I think I am understanding more and more what it is to lay it all down for Jesus. I sold and gave away most of what I own. My leather couch, motorcycle, bed, dresser, coffee table etc. Wow. I can't tell you how tempting it is some nights in the prayer room to just jump in my car and head back to Jersey. But I can't. This is all for the Precious Pearl. I spend a lot of time in the prayer room counting the cost. I am being more convinced that it is worth my life, my eternity to chase after this one thing. It is worth my life to sell all I have, give to the poor, and be more in love with Jesus than the day before. I am learning to run from that "other life" as Amy Carmichael describes. I am finding that instead of running to the comforts of the world I need to find comfort with the Comforter himself, the holy spirit.