I'm Going to the Chapel and I'm...

When I first arrived in Kansas City I had a dream that has set the tone for the next season of my life. The message of the dream was that in order to jump into the Presence of God I needed to see things through the eyes of the bride. Welcome: Season of the Bride.

Over 6 months ago I bought a book by Gary Wiens called “Bridal Intercession.” The book discusses the importance of intimacy with Jesus in prayer and knowing Him as life’s primary goal. Despite the interesting content I had only read about 3 chapters but brought the book with me to KC so I could finally finish it. Also at about that time I downloaded a song called “My Romance” but had very rarely listened to it. Interestingly when I was packing up my apartment it was a song that I suddenly had new love for and I was playing it frequently.

When I think of romance I think of Jane Austin, especially the 6hr BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. Wonderful. But shock here: this is not Jesus’ version of romance. His love is much deeper. His love is humility. The God who is too big to fit in the heavens confined himself to a weak human body for the chance to be my friend. He wasn’t even assured that I would like him or spend time with him but he loved me and desired to be near me. He who is not confined to time put on a mortal body so I may know Him for all eternity. He who is perfect and hates sin walked around in the midst of a wicked generation to show his unfailing love to them and all the generations to follow. Perhaps the most daunting aspect of bridal love is this: that according to the Apostle John if I claim to love God I must walk as Jesus did. Choose to walk in suffering for love’s sake. Taking the lowly road even when it is not required.

“I don’t know about you, but I had sort of a romantic expectation that [Jesus] would woo me and tell me how cool and nice I am and how much He enjoys various aspects of my life… And then all of a sudden He did a very surprising thing: in my process of exploring the reality and depth of His love for me, He took me to Isaiah 52 and Isaiah 53 and began to teach me about His passion on the cross, and what the cross of Jesus has to do with His love for me as an ardent Bridegroom. “ Gary Wiens

Life in the MidWest

I would like to say that I moved out to Kansas City in faith but I think I moved out in frustration. I didn't have anything else so I came out here thinking I would probably get in but not really knowing. It wasn't until I was in the state of Missouri that I actually got the acceptance.
Now I am fully integrated into the night life here at the International House of Prayer (IHOP). That means I spend most days from 12a to 6a in the prayer room with classes and revival services in the evening hours. Doing these hours and this schedule is intense. It is a complete lifestyle change for me and I have been going through serious detox. I think I am understanding more and more what it is to lay it all down for Jesus. I sold and gave away most of what I own. My leather couch, motorcycle, bed, dresser, coffee table etc. Wow. I can't tell you how tempting it is some nights in the prayer room to just jump in my car and head back to Jersey. But I can't. This is all for the Precious Pearl. I spend a lot of time in the prayer room counting the cost. I am being more convinced that it is worth my life, my eternity to chase after this one thing. It is worth my life to sell all I have, give to the poor, and be more in love with Jesus than the day before. I am learning to run from that "other life" as Amy Carmichael describes. I am finding that instead of running to the comforts of the world I need to find comfort with the Comforter himself, the holy spirit.

_____ or Bust?

I am sitting on my parents' couch watching Fargo. My car is packed but I still don't know if I'm going to Kansas City. The internship I applied for starts on Monday and I still don't know if I got in. I haven't made up my mind yet if I'm going to go out there anyway. Part of me wants to go out and see what happens. The other part would rather just stay at home. If I go out there and I don't get in I think I would feel really disappointed. I know that's the wrong attitude. I should go out there because it's where I need to be. But at the same time it's not where I want to be. There is little appealing about the midwest for me. No beach, no city, no mountains.
What I have decided is this: when Fargo finishes I'm taking the dog to the beach because that is one thing that is worth the drive. And if I do take off for KC tonight this is the last of the beach I'll see in a while.

Sometimes it's so glorious following the Lord. Things work out just right and fall into place. Friendships are made in unsuspecting places, and lives changed forever. Other times it is quite hard and taxing. Trust must be given to God even when your simple little self seems to have none left to give. This year has been an odd combination of the two.
I went to South Asia in February and had an amazing time. I saw dreams fulfilled in front of my eyes and in my arms. I was immersed in God's love in the midst of poverty. I didn't want to leave.
At the same time I was in a full time job where I was doing well. In my short time career I quickly rose to a place of leadership. I liked my job. I liked my coworkers. But two weeks ago I resigned.
I am following my dreams. No job lined up. No set plans for 2010. Just faith. And a whole lot of trust. I signed up for 2 internships. I applied late. I could be spending New Year's in any number of places. With all that is uncertain I do know a few simple things. First, there is no going back. Who can undo what God has done? I will not step back into the same 'ol job. I have ruined that prospect--who can come back to routine after chasing after their dreams? I know life could never work that way again. Secondly, my whole life has led up to this point. My life is not measured in what work I do, but it is measured in heaps of love. God loves me and loves that I want to go back to South Asia. My life started with love and each season of life continues in that theme--my life has led up to me being catapulted into the future on this chorus of love. Lastly, trust is paramount. I am not sure where I will be in two weeks. Even less sure of where I'll be in six months, or two years. And I am okay with that. I will not be determining my own future. I used to think I did but if I wholeheartedly obey and trust the Lord my future is set. It's just like going on Space Mountain for the first time. You know you're in for something fun and the ride will end but you don't know the next turn--and it's far better that way. You are trusting the ride for fun and you know it will deliver on that promise. That is the Lord. Life will end in victory but it's far better not to know how it's coming.

"It will not do to say that you have no special call to go to China. With these facts before you and with the command of the Lord Jesus to go and preach the gospel to every creature, you need rather to ascertain whether you have a special call to stay at home." -Hudson Taylor