Moving [Forward]

I have a brick under my bed. My dad gave it to me for Christmas in 2004. It belongs to the old Ocean City High School. The year after I graduated the school was torn down and a new one built across the street. The brick is the only physical piece I have of the old school.
As I move to Kansas City another strange, yet similar thing has happened. Harvest, my church for over 6 years is splitting. The English speaking congregation (the Caleb group) will be disbanding at the end of May. The Chinese speaking congregation (the Joshua group) will continue on. The pastors are in one heart about the transition but I'm not really sure how to process this big change. It's sad that my church for so long will soon cease to exist. Part of me really wants to mourn the loss of Harvest as I know it but I am wondering if that's even the appropriate response. God is clearly doing something and I don't know if I can truly be sad about that. A lot of my close friends have already left the church so I can't say I am trying to hold onto something that is still there. In reality the church has been significantly changing for the past 3 years and much of what I was used to has changed anyway.
It's somewhat like a relief that I am moving out now to KC because I am not faced with this forced transition. The Caleb group is faced with 3 choices: Stay with the Joshua group and form a an English service, head out with Pastor Sam and help lead the church plant, or find a new place of worship altogether. Not an easy decision and undoubtedly not everyone will go in the same direction.
It's a good farewell to NJ. There really isn't much holding me back anymore. Bit by bit God has asked me to give things to Him. In his gentleness He asked me to go to KC before Harvest disbanded. He gave me an opportunity to give Him Harvest before it was gone. He is so gentle with me. I am convinced more and more that His leadership is kind--it is perfect--but it is not always easy.

I've given up searching for home.

I am back in NJ for just over 2 weeks, trying to squeeze in as many hangouts as possible. Is this rest after the internship? Probably not, but I am trying to reconnect with everyone before I truly move across the country. It's quite the move. I have a moving strategy: Move as fast as I can out to the middle of nowhere before I can comprehend all that I really am doing and stop myself. At this point in time I am no longer trusting emotions. I have been feeling so much regarding the move that I need to trust solely on the Lord. Whether I am confused, excited, happy, ambivalent, or unmotivated I am following Jesus. He has my best interest in mind even if it means living without a place to rest my head.
Home will never be found in this lifetime. That longing deep inside all of us is the longing for a heavenly homeland. I can't stay somewhere in life just because I am trying to maintain the small sense of home I was able to find. Families change, communities grow and fade, and church bodies always seem to be in some eb and flow. I am grateful for all that God has given me in NJ. I love Harvest and had the best college years imaginable, but I can't stay to maintain any of that. Staying somewhere for comfort is sin. Not moving forward because of fear causes our hearts not to rest in God's perfect love. The Holy Spirit is my comforter in this life. I am comforted that He is the care-taker of my soul, body, and spirit. I want to be wherever He is.
As the Misty Edward song says, "I will follow the Lamb wherever He goes."

Sermon on the Mount

I apologize for lack of updates. Life in the internship spins so fast that by the time I sit down to write I wonder what happened to begin with.
:::breathe:::

I have one week left to the internship and I feel like I'm running through a million emotions all at the same time. I'm excited to start "real life" again but, nervous if I can manage out there. I'm transitioning to life out here but at the same time wondering why this is the next step. The lesson I've been learning predominantly is that God is a perfect leader and that I can trust Him.
Matthew 6 says if I seek first the kingdom of God all other things [clothes, money, food] will be given to me. What a true statement (see last update)! I have an interview tomorrow at the Christian birthing center. I am so excited. I did nothing to find this place--the job was given to me as I sat in the prayer room seeking the Lord. The sermon on the mount precedes the seeking of the kingdom verse.If we recognize our need for God, live humbly before Him, and seek the righteousness only He can give He will richly reward us, in this age and in the age to come. As I sought the sermon on the mount, even in the small measure that I think I actually attained, God blessed me with what I could not have found on my own.
And the motivation for living the sermon on the mount has not been looking for God to bless me in this lifetime. As of recent I have been thinking more and more about rewards in the kingdom of Heaven. In the next couple of days hopefully I can write an update about the Heavenly Jerusalem but for now this is the verse I woke up saying,

Psalm 126: "When the Lord brought the captives back to Zion, we were like men who dreamed."

Dream of the day we go back to Zion, our heavenly home. It makes the sermon on the mount lifestyle worth it.

Love is our Inheritance

I am in the middle of revival! For years I have prayed that God would take me where revival is about to happen so I could be a part of it. It's what led me to want to do missions in South Asia and part of what still aches in my heart to go back. I asked God where revival would come so I could be a forerunner in it. I am blessed to say and believe that I am a forerunner in not one but many awakenings God is doing around the world. It's not a pride thing. God answers prayer. If we seek Him we will find Him. If we call to Him, He will answer us. He is ravished at one glance from us--He is moved when we ask Him to move.
In college I would prayer-walk in the cemeteries of the leaders of the First Great Awakening asking that God would come to Rutgers and stir hearts there. I would cry for another awakening. I believe it is coming. He is bringing the fathering spirit of Elijah to Rutgers and NB Theological Seminary.
I am here in Kansas City. Revival is here and will continue to grow as we seek Him. Healing and deliverance is a daily event here. It does not end there--I believe that the ends of the earth will see the glory of God. As the generations become more wicked there is also a growth in the holiness and power of the church. We can partake of this great, massive, world-wide revival because it is our inheritance.
We don't have to be strong to be in this company. Our strength is recognizing that we are weak. It is dependence on Jesus for love daily. It is letting Him serve us and humbling our self to receive His love. We can only love as He loves us. If we do not receive His love we cannot love.

Recommended reading: 2 Corinthians 12-13, Romans 8, Psalm 45

God is so big. He is uncreated and everlasting. There are not enough years to fully know him because He goes on forever. With that in mind there are times when the English language does not contain the proper words to describe Him. There are also times when our imaginations cannot describe Him. But the mystery is this: He dwells inside of us. The uncreated, Spirit who hovered over the waters lives in me. But the complexity goes further: He is ravished by one glance from me. I am a co-heir with Jesus, the son of God. All of these realities have been brewing in my heart for the last few weeks. For my lack of updates: I don't know how to put it into words other than I am experiencing the knowledge of God. His presence is deep and the work He is doing on my heart is deep. I am feeling refreshed and renewed.
God has also been rekindling the dream in my heart for revival. IHOP and the Call are calling for a 40 day Daniel fast to see revival in the north-east, specifically universities there. I really feel like revival is brewing for Rutgers and Princeton at this very time! We can dig the well of revival there!
The proposal for Rutgers college was “to plant a university or seminary for young men destined for study in the learned languages and in the liberal arts, and who are to be instructed in the philosophical sciences; also that it may be a school of the prophets in which young Levites and Nazarites of God may be prepared to enter upon the sacred ministerial office in the Church of God."
God has not forgotten the northeast and He is coming!

Friendship with God is Complicated

Last night most of my roommates went to bed angry or crying. The night before we all fell asleep laughing. Each of us has gone from one extreme to the other. It wasn't female hormone related emotions--it was God-driven, God-destined emotions.
In the beginning of the week I was at the extreme end of frustration and anger. I wanted to run out of the prayer room. I was angry with God that my prayers weren't being answered. I had moments when I was internally shouting at God. Had I been alone the shouts would have been loud. I have had 2 consistent prayers for almost 10 years and neither of them have been answered. Can you imagine being the best friend of a King and you have been asking him for years for 2 things and it's within his grasp to do what you ask, but he doesn't? Without a doubt that causes a strain in the friendship. It can make you question the substance of the relationship; is there genuineness in that he really cares about you? The usual response is to forget or to walk away from the friendship, despite the fact that it is the best friend you have ever had. But more challenging is this: not only does he not answer the questions over the decade you have asked but he purposed you to get frustrated. He knew you were going to get angry and he is okay with that. He brought up the feelings of frustration and anger, and he created the emotion of anger and sadness. It's pure torture!
Then on Thursday God totally touched me. I felt completely different. He freed me from the fear of man and I am genuinely changed. My anger and disappointment were changed to gladness. It was a miracle. Suddenly I am caught in a swirl of his love and goodness. However, the questions remain unanswered. I don't understand how he works and I don't know his ways. This God-man I am friends with is a funny man.

Squirming in my Chair

Sometimes it can be very difficult to sit in a prayer room for 6 hours. Today we are here for 9 hours; I nearly had a freak-out moment. I almost started crying knowing I couldn’t leave until the next morning, except for one break. I was not made to sit for this long; to be quiet for this long. So much of the routine and schedule of IHOP is contrary to how I love to be. Most days are spent in the 3 same rooms, little variation in routine, next to no free time. This week is pretty intense. It’s a total of 67 hours. I have so much energy but I have to sit and I can’t talk. I am squirming so much in these chairs.
I was made for adventure. This energy I have is from the Lord and unless I make it to the gym to expend some of it I get extremely antsy. I went today but I could have really stayed for much longer. It barely gets my energy out to be at a place where I don’t completely flip.
The longer I am at IHOP the more I desire to go to India. It’s probably on my thoughts at least every 10 minutes. Every teaching I hear, every experience in the prayer room. Prayer is powerful and wonderful. I have clung to it for so many years, but I know it is not my call to be a full-time prayer-missionary. God chose one tribe out of 12 to serve in ministry unto the Lord. The others were not built that way. The Levites’ responsibility is to minister to Him—not to others. They have dedicated their lives to serve God’s heart in worship and prayer.
I am learning so much about who I am by being in a place that is not my place. Yet, at the same time I really enjoy it here. I am learning how to have prayer as the base for all that I do. Also, it is bliss to have a community that has the goal of seeking out the Lord’s heart in prayer. Whether I was made to pray or to go, we are all made to love. Love is made complete when we all work together.

1 Peter 5:2-4
2Be shepherds of God's flock that is under your care, serving as overseers—not because you must, but because you are willing, as God wants you to be; not greedy for money, but eager to serve; 3not lording it over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock. 4And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the crown of glory that will never fade away.